To be an outsider in devastating situations has some difficult moments and I know one of the hardest parts of watching someone you love go through tumultuous times is not knowing what to say or how to help them cope with the burden they now bear. I've had friends lose their parents, lose their grandparents, lose people very near and dear to them and I have found myself in that alarming position where all I wanted to do was be there for them but I just wasn't quite sure how or what I could do. But let me tell you, I've now learned that it is just as confusing and just as hard to be on the other end of the spectrum as well. I was constantly asking myself: Will people judge me if I talk about my daughter? Will this person be upset with the words "my daughter died"? Should I show pictures of Harper? I think she's beautiful and perfect but what will everyone else see or think? I had never known anyone close to me who had lost a child (and I hope it stays that way!) so I wasn't sure how to react or how others would react to me. I was so nervous, terrified to say anything at all. How is it that I wouldn't think twice about blinking an eye when it comes to posting pictures of my beautiful daughters birth in a "normal" situation but because her life had only lasted a short time I was so scared to mention anything at all?! I knew I had to say something though because the thought of so many people asking why my arms would be empty when meeting them made my heart sink deeper than I knew I would ever be able to pull myself out from. That moment when I posted my first words on social media regarding my daughter, not only did it make the unimaginable feel real, but I had finally experienced for the first time what it felt like to watch fear slowly dissipate and become something much more incredible, it had become courage.
I'm going to tell you now, when someone loses a child I know it is scary to find the appropriate words to say. Truthfully, there really are no correct words. I know many people wondered whether they would upset me, or hurt me, or make the grieving that much more difficult but here is what I have learned though: It is most definitely OK to talk about death, it is OK to speak that child's name, and it is OK to ask questions and be inquisitive. It may not always be the right time for the one grieving to answer some of those questions, but to know that you care and are wanting to know more about the life of someone so incredibly close to their hearts is EVERYTHING. As a newly bereaved Mom, speaking of Harper's death brings me a lot of sadness but it also brings me an insurmountable amount of joy. It reminds me of the impact she had and that even though three days flew by, she will be remembered in some way. In my eyes she will always be remembered as a fighter, a daughter, and an angel: nothing less. You can ask me all day long what happened, how it happened, when we found out, what she looked like, what she weighed, what the doctors did and so on. That was the life of Miss Harper Lynn and one I am so proud of and will talk about until the day I die. When I tell you about her, I am reminded of her, and that's a gift that I will always cherish. She was brought to heaven way too soon in my eyes, but I know in His eyes she was brought there to fulfill a journey I know nothing about yet.
Not everyone grieves the same though, so I truly can't speak for each person traveling this unimaginable journey. Some need more time than others, but trust me when I say, we all want to talk about our "missing" child and we all want to be reminded of how much they were loved here on earth. The honest truth in regards to this situation is that losing a child is undoubtedly one of the most unnatural feelings in the world and we as the child's parents need to be reminded of the "realness" at times. I cannot imagine anything more harsh in this world than having to walk into a funeral home and say "I'm here to pick up my daughter's ashes." It's almost impossible to pick yourself up after re-living those moments and it's extremely hard to see where the beauty lies when uttering those horrid words. But from the ashes we will rise, and within the rising we will find beauty again; for it is with death that we find redemption and within that redemption we will find a purity that is so whole, a purity in which we strive to discover each day of our earthly lives. But one must understand, to find the beauty within us during these incredibly dark moments is not an easy task, and some may struggle more so than others. We must always approach this subject with complete compassion. You don't have to always have the right words or know the exact right thing to say but you do have to always show true kindness, true sincerity and true empathy towards those in need for it is those vibes that will help the grieving soul better understand your intentions and your love for them as well.
With that being said, I once again will pick up another shattered piece along this unimaginable journey and relish in the knowledge that through Harper's death I have embraced a true miracle, one that has shown me a peak at redemption and a small glimpse of the purity that is so whole. Today, I will place that broken piece carefully where it belongs along this beautiful path and know that in doing so I am so much closer to holding my tiny miracle in my arms once again.
XoXo Harper Lynn
** One of the best messages I received from a close friend read like this: "I think about you all the time. Asking how you are doing is a really dumb question so, I hope today is better than yesterday"**
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