I Can Only Imagine

Sometimes it still doesn't feel like reality. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to wake up in the morning and none of this will have happened. I think I'm going to wake up with a beautiful baby girl lying next to me and I'm going to take a deep breath and let out a huge sigh of relief knowing that this has all just been a tortuous nightmare. I think about this scenario often, but then I remember that my nightmare is truly reality and that there's no going back in this world, and I suddenly feel like crumbling. That's the funny thing about grief, it hits when you least expect it and it usually hits with great force. I haven't been able to identify these so called "triggers" they often say associate themselves with grief. I just have moments; moments that burn so deep they take my breath away and I begin to stumble. I quickly wonder if this will be the stumble that brings me to my knees or if I'll find my balance and find a way to pull myself back up. I've been fortunate so far and have somehow found my balance each time, but I know that doesn't always mean I'll be that lucky.

Through this experience I've learned that there are so many different ways to bear the pain of losing a child and that there really aren't any "wrong" or "right" ways. Everyone has to learn through themselves how to move forward each day, and we have to remember that it's ok to feel stuck some days and it's ok to feel defeated some days. The most important lesson is to find a way to keep going; even in the darkness you must try harder to find a way and it is here that you will find the strength and courage within yourself that you never knew existed. It's an incredible feeling, one full of sadness and joy because it is here that you uncover a great discovery of yourself, you find a part of you that enables you to forge ahead in the face of pain but it is also here that you remember why you had to dig this deep within yourself in the first place. It's so incredibly tiring to constantly be searching for the deeper meaning so that you can pull yourself from the darkness but it's also so incredibly rewarding because it is through that deeper meaning we begin to see more clearly and more fully. Here is where your loved one lives and it is here where you feel a connection unlike any other,  where two worlds begin to feel like one, the connection between the earthly and the heavenly.

There have been many times where I have wished that I was not walking this journey, I've yearned to go back to what I now refer to as "The Simple Life." I want to live in my world where happiness prevailed, the world where I never knew what true sorrow felt like. I want to return to my old normal. The truth is though, I wouldn't be who I am today without this experience. I would have never known my true strength and I would have never known true love. I would have lived life at the surface without having to look deep within myself and understand the meaning of it all. It's then that I know that I wouldn't change this experience. It's then that I remember that the love I have for my daughter is so full that it spills over this earth.  I remember the courage and strength she had for her three short days, the same courage and strength she left behind for me to find so that I can continue to live this life without her here. I am reminded of how she has changed me and how I will always be forever grateful for the many gifts she has given me.

Grief helps me remember how precious this world is, it brings me closer to connecting my two worlds, the earthly and the heavenly. My imagination during these times wanders so deep and so far and it's in this moment that I've learned that there are just some things we can't imagine, even if we wanted to.  I say this because I truly believe I could have never imagined the emotions that I've felt along this journey before experiencing them first hand. I couldn't have imagined them because they weren't reality and I didn't even know these emotions existed. I know I've said, "I can only imagine" in different scenarios a hundred times but in all honesty I think I've learned through this that I really don't think I could have fully imagined. It is my belief that our minds block out the truest most deepest sorrows of the imagination to protect us from the harsh reality and only when reality hits, will you feel an inexperienced sense of emotion. It is here where you will have to uncover a courage and strength you never knew existed and it's here where you will find what true survival feels like. This is when I am reminded that the loss of a child is undoubtedly an "Unimaginable Journey."

Today though, I have decided that I am going to try to imagine what my sweet daughter experiences up above, knowing that I will not be able to fully understand the joy and tranquility of the after life because my imagination will only allow me to stretch so far. Today I will pick up another broken piece along this journey and place it sweetly where it belongs knowing that I'm one piece closer to experiencing life at it's fullest.

*Love You Harper Lynn*