It's been a long time friends and let me tell you why...
Pregnancy after loss is hard. It's as simple as that.
Right when I think I have it all figured out; Right when I think everything is going to be just fine; Right when I think I have nothing to fear this time. There it is, as clear as day, staring at me, screaming at me... My Memories.
I can remember the exact moment I laid eyes on my baby girl, I can remember the exact moment she was first put in my arms and I can remember the exact moment that the nurse came into my room when I told her we were ready to let go and watched as she took my daughter away from me for the very last time. I remember. I remember like it was yesterday. Memories.
It's hard. So very hard. As a mom, you try not to let your mind wander, you try not to think of the "unthinkable." I try to convince myself, "It can't happen again." The chance of Nolan having hydrops is the same chance Harper had, less than 1%. Extremely Rare; and yet, here I am, wondering when that "something" is going to go wrong this time. My entire pregnancy thus far has been based on deep breaths and my sweet, caring husband calming me down. My gut tells me everything is going to be fine, but my heart tells me "not yet". That piece of me has been shattered, that piece of me is slowly being mended back together, and that mending has quite a ways to go. My mind, the biggest obstacle thus far, has played the "what if" and question game on me too many times...
Will I have to give Nolan back? Will we actually hold a baby in our arms that we get to take home? Will I get to see his eyes and hear his cries? Will everything be ok once we get home? Will I actually leave that hospital this time with full arms? Will I avoid the yellow rose on my hospital door?
Losing a child takes such a toll on your soul, on your whole human self. You are changed. A change I didn't quite expect and yet had to welcome with open arms either way. I miss her. There are no other words really. Every single ounce of me misses the part of me that she completed, and I know that yearning will never go away. Fear. Fear is what makes me question everything. Am I ready? Am I ready to be happy like that again? Am I ready to welcome a new child into my arms while I have one watching from above? Am I ready to risk my shattered heart all over again? I've asked myself these questions so many times and for some reason my soul answers for me...
YES
I am ready.
Because of Love, I am ready. When I question myself I also remember, that not a single part of me would change my story with Harper, because with that change it would mean that there would be no Harper, there would be no daughter and that itself brings me more sadness than the fact that I lost her. Not a day goes by that I don't think about that little girl. Not a day goes by that I don't wish she were here with us now. As I prepare myself for the arrival of Baby Brother I picture, so very often, three beautiful kids, all playing together and laughing together. When I take Levi to activities, my heart knows there should be another one tagging along with us, and yet, there's not.
It's sad. It's Hard. It's Confusing and quite frankly I full heartedly believe that at times it's just not fair. But the truth is, my heart KNOWS there is another one tagging along with us. She may not be physically present but she is there, always and everyday I feel a little bit of her with me. I still cry. I still get sad. I still ask the question: Why?
But it is because I loved with all of my being. Because I continue to love with all of my being and that is a part of me that will never change. So am I ready? Yes I think so. I'm excited for what's to come and I'm excited for the challenges it will bring. "Baby Brother" (as Levi calls him) will never replace our little girl, but he will bring a new type of Joy to this family, I am certain of it. A type of joy that I think this family hasn't felt in quite a long time.
So with that I will continue to navigate through This Unimaginable Journey, I will pick up yet another broken piece along the path and place it lovingly where it belongs knowing that, Big Sis Harper will be watching over Nolan his entire life. *Love you little Girl*
