This past weekend we got to witness the most beautiful wedding ceremony, one where you could just feel the love that filled the room from each and every corner. It was such a special day for such an amazing couple and when it came time for the Father/Daughter dance I could feel that little tug in my heart that I've been feeling so often these days. That little tug that sometimes pulls a little harder each time and causes my heart to ache a little bit longer. I could feel the emotions creeping up: the sadness that tries to take my breath away and the darkness that attempts to overshadow the light. But then the song started to play. It was the most beautiful melody, a melody that enabled the light to shine through and show the love that had once encompassed the room. As the lyrics began to play I found the words to be so incredibly soothing; they were finding a way to encourage joyfulness through the immense sorrow.
" I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat but always keep that hunger,
May you never take one single breath for granted..."
"Whenever one door closes I hope one more opens,
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance,
and when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I HOPE YOU DANCE"
These words started to fill my soul and the more I listened to them and watched the loveliness of a father and daughter dance before my eyes the more I began to allow myself to see the beauty again. I could understand how easy it would be for me to sit this one out though, to cower in the corner or quickly walk away in order to spare my heart from feeling that little tug again; but instead, I was learning to accept these feelings and I was finally learning to dance through them. At times it feels like the most awkward dance, where my arms may not be in rhythm with my feet or my movements might feel totally out of sync with the music but yet at the same time I am so proud of myself. As the song tells us, I know that I have not picked the path of least resistance and I have promised myself to not sit this one out.
I know that I will always wish for there to be an extra person with me while I'm dancing. I will always wish that with each family picture we take these days you could see four visible people. That when I speak of my daughter you could picture a beautiful, happy, and smiling almost four month old. I will always wish that I didn't have to leave that hospital with completely empty arm, with a heart that was shattered into too many pieces to count and a soul that felt like it could collapse at any moment. I will always wish I could still live that naïve life where these types of feelings felt impossible to imagine and even more so out of reach. But I can tell you there is ONE thing I will most definitely NEVER wish for. You will at no time find me uttering the words "I wish this never happened." I am forever grateful for those three whole days that I got to soak up what life on earth with two amazing children felt like. I always joked when I was pregnant with Harper that having a girl felt like such a "game changer" and how true those words ring in my heart right now. Harper was a definite game changer in our family, but within all the sadness of her leaving she has brought us so much joy. Harper has taught us to appreciate the small things, to cherish each breath we take and the ease that comes with it and to give thanks for the beauty in which we live. To say it simply, she has taught me to keep dancing and to love without limits.
Today, my husband Adam and I celebrate five years of marriage and today is undoubtedly one of those days where I remember and acknowledge how truly blessed I am. Sometimes it's been hard for me to see the "blessings" through the gloominess, but with this celebration comes a joy that words will never be able to describe. This is not how I ever imagined our marriage to look like when I said "I Do" five years ago. It's been messy, so much more than I could have ever believed and yet through these messy times we have found a love so much deeper and so much fuller than my imagine could have allowed. Adam and I have been through more than someone who just turned 30 should have ever experienced, we have seen more sadness than a happily married couple of five years should ever have felt and yet we have made it through and we have found the light in what will hopefully be one of our darkest moments. I'm not saying that because we survived this tribulation that the road before us will be easy but I am just so grateful that every morning I wake up next to this man and I thank God that I get one more day on this earth to spend with him. There is nothing I would change about the "Kate and Adam Story" because it is our story that has helped me develop into the woman I am today, the mother I am today and the wife that I am today. I know Adam is always and will always be by my side and I know he will always be the one saying over and over to me ... "I hope you dance."
So within the celebrating that today will bring, I will pick up another broken piece that has been scattered along this unimaginable journey and I will place it where it belongs knowing that I have been truly blessed with the most amazing man by my side, the most beautiful baby girl in heaven and the most inspiring son here on earth.
* HAPPY FIVE YEARS OF MARRIAGE, ADAM: Let's dance all day long!! I LOVE YOU *
