Where there is Joy, there is also Sadness

Joyous Moments. They feel so different these days. They are happy, they are momentous, they are exciting. Yet there is more. There is a deep lingering of sadness that underlies the joy. Something I've never experienced before. How can someone be so incredibly happy and yet so incredibly sad at the same time? I've dreamed of some of these joyous moments my whole life (some of you know exactly  that one moment I'm talking about: Yes, the Cubs entering the World Series and WINNING of course) and yet here I am, jumping from the insides and wanting to hide at the same time. I've asked myself  "Is this feeling of sadness not really sadness, but rather guilt from feeling happy?" I'm not sure to be honest. These emotions are so raw and so new at times that it can be tiresome to attempt to sort them out. I'm pretty sure my other momma's of loss out there could raise their hands and say "Amen" to that statement.

I remember in those first few days after losing Harper the sense of feeling numb was about all that I could take. I didn't know what to think. I didn't know what to feel. I didn't know what to say. And I knew part of me was afraid to feel. I remember thinking at one point "I can't believe that I will feel this sad for the rest of my life." I knew at that moment how much of a life changer losing Harper would be. My worst nightmare had officially become my reality. It would be an unwelcomed change at first and it would be a change that I knew would never go away. It was what I labeled as my "new norm". There would now be the "before Harper" era and the "after Harper" era and I was going to have to find a way to cope with that and to understand that. It has not always been easy. In fact, it's been really really hard.

I find myself these days, when re-living my past, labeling each memory and each picture as "Before Harper" or "After Harper". My sense of myself and my family has changed drastically. I have grown. Some for the better, and some for the "yet to be determined" column. Mostly because I'm still exploring, I'm still figuring this new life out and I'm still mourning. Heavy mourning. And that's ok. I once thought I was immune to great sorrow. That surely there was no way it would ever find it's way into my life. But I was wrong. That was the "Before" version of myself and sadly that part of me doesn't exist anymore.  Sure, I still believe that life is filled with happiness, love, and joy... I haven't lost that, but I know now that life is full of so much more. Life is full of deeper meanings, of understanding this world we live in  and living it in the absolute fullest. It's about taking our experiences, growing from them and honoring them. It's about living with no regrets. It's about discovering that life is not black and white. Life is full of gray. So much gray. And if we allow ourselves to open up, to flourish and to nurture this life that we live, it will be the gray that gets us to the other side, that humanizes us. It will be the part that defines who we are.

So don't be afraid of the gray. I was. I was absolutely terrified of the gray. It's full of the unknown. It's full of the unimaginable. It's unorganized. It's rough. And yet, it has been so rewarding. So incredibly healing and I know I have grown immensely from my time there. 

Explore. Know that each day is a new day. A day in which we have been given life. A life that is full of so much deeper meaning and understanding. A life that is full of unimaginable moments. A life that is full of love, joy, laughter and cherished moments. A life that experiences sadness, darkness, despair and confusion. A life that challenges us. A life that strengthens us. A life that God has given us. Walk it. Live It. Love It and Learn from It.

That means today I will continue to walk this long and unfamiliar path on this unimaginable journey, I will walk through the gray and smile through the sadness and I will  pick up a broken piece and I will place it gently where it belongs knowing that one day I will see my little one again up above. *I Love you Harper Lynn