At the beginning of December we made a quick trip home to partake in the candlelight ceremony at the Angel of Hope to commemorate and remember our sweet daughter, Harper. Every year on December 6th they honor the names of children gone way too soon. It was beautiful. It was cold. It was sad. It was memorable. I can't fully explain how one 30 (ish) minute ceremony had so much impact on my soul and on my heart. There were many tears, there were smiles, there was heartache and there was of course my favorite of all; there was joy.
The president of the non profit organization began the ceremony, speaking eloquently and beautifully; he reminded us all of the meaning of the Angel of Hope: remembrance, honor and of course, Hope. He began to tell a story, a story that each and every person standing there that night, had somehow been affected by. As his voice began to crack we all knew what was coming, he too had lost a child. In 2003 his son was born still. The tears began flowing. I sometimes forget (or block out) the notion that these feelings will never go away. That 13 years from now, I will still be the mother of an angel. I will still ache for her every day until that day 13 years from now. And I will continue to ache for her for countless years after. Love. We can blame love for that ache and I am ok with that.
As the ceremony continued and the names of the children began to be read I looked around at all of the faces. There were hundreds of people there. Some were new to this game (like me) and some had been coming for a very long time. But what I noticed the most was how we all looked the same. We all had joined a "club" that no one wanted to ever be a part of. It's strange but true when I say: when you lose a child and you meet another mother of an angel, you may be a complete stranger and yet at the same time there is such a strong connection. It's a bond that I feel is given to us to help us get through the horrible times; to help lift us up when we need it the most. It's a part of our broken hearts, mending and grieving together. So as I looked around, I could feel that my heart yearned for each mother I saw standing there.
The music began and the tears began to flow, this was my new reality. At times I can hold the tears back, I can numb the pain inside, but this day, there would be no numbing. It was an official reminder: my daughter died. It was a beautiful song, reminding us all of the Angels around us. The names began to be read, for the first time I was thankful that my last name was at the very end of the alphabet. I needed some time before I heard her name. As the letters drew closer to W, I mustered up the strength and I readied myself. "Harper Lynn Wear", it was our turn to go stand in line and to place our flower at the foot of the angel. I was holding back the tears the entire time in line. As Levi, Adam and I finished placing our single white rose for our favorite angel I was stopped by someone I knew. Someone I hold dear in my heart and the tears began to flow and I couldn't stop them this time. We both shared a pain now, one neither one of us ever agreed to bear, but yet here we were, still standing and still breathing. It was a much needed moment for this momma, to be able to let down my guard and to be able to breathe once again.
As the ceremony came to a close, I held Levi tight and I said a prayer. I know Harper is no longer suffering, that instead I am the one suffering for her. But every day that goes by, I can't help but wish she was here, I can't help but wish that I could see her smile, that I could hold her close that I could hear her giggle. So instead, I hug her brother and I blow a kiss towards her ashes each and every night. I know that she is still with us, I know that she is watching over us all and some days I remember that and think "how did I get so lucky?". She is mine and I am hers and for that I will be eternally grateful.
So for today, I will pick up another broken piece that had been shattered when I began this unimaginable journey and place it delicately where it belongs remembering my beautiful daughter and the joy she has brought to this family from afar.
