I've taken a little break from writing lately since my emotions and life have been getting the best of me. It's been crazy. It's been messy. My motto the past few weeks has been "to stay as busy as possible" because when one is busy, one doesn't haven't to stop and reflect as often. And let's just say reflection has not always been my friend these days. As I was going through my fall decorations to start prepping for Pumpkin Spice and Football season I was taken aback by a sign I forgot that I hang every year above the fireplace. A sign that has always been a simple reminder to me, one that I've tried to live my life by fully. A sign that simply reads...
THANKFUL.
It's a sign that I hate to say, I have not had the courage or the strength to hang yet this year. It's a word I've been reflecting an awful lot on... THANKFUL.
Am I thankful? How can I be thankful after everything that has happened? I am blessed and I am grateful, but am I really thankful? Am I really suppose to read this word everyday? Why does this word taking my breath away every single time I see it?
"I just can't", that's what I've been telling myself. I'm not ready, it's too much. I need time.
Oh that ache, that deep ache that tugs at my heart over and over has been working overtime lately. It's making me feel feels that I know I am not ready for at this moment. I'm grieving, I'm trying to move forward and I'm trying to see the good in each deed and each person that comes my way. I'm trying so hard some days, and now I am somehow suppose to be THANKFUL?
I looked at Adam the other night and said "I think I need to buy a new fall sign for the fireplace" and he stared at me puzzled (partially because I'm pretty sure he has no idea what our "fall" sign even says until it's put up, but that's totally ok) He quickly uttered the word "Why?". I told him exactly how I felt, "It's because it reads "Thankful" and I just really don't think I feel Thankful this year."
His response to this is exactly why I love this man. He has always been my clarity when my emotions become too involved. He has always been my strength when I feel weak in my knees and in this moment his words found a way to pick me back up. He looked me straight in the eyes and said.. "Kate, that seems a little harsh. Aren't you thankful for Levi? Aren't you thankful that you are alive? Because I am"
{A part of my story I haven't shared yet is how the day Harper was born, my body began to fail. My placenta began to pull away and my body went into shock, I was bleeding out and my blood pressure was dropping fast. As soon as Harper was whisked away to NICU and as soon as my doctor could get as much of my bleeding stopped my epidural was pulled and I was escorted by my doctor and the rest of the surgical team to ICU where I would spend the next 30 hours. I was immediately started on a blood transfusion and later followed with a platelet transfusion. I didn't realize how serious the situation had turned until my follow up appointment when my doctor told me "You were the last person I thought I'd ever have to worry about losing on the table." My eyes were opened. That day, I lived for a reason. That day I remained here on earth, a wife to the most perfect husband and a mother to two beautiful children on earth.}
When I look back at this moment, I remember. I remember that I was left here for a purpose and I needed Adam to remind me of that, to remind me that I can be THANKFUL this year and that it's a word I shouldn't be ashamed to use. I will never be thankful for what happened to my daughter, I know this. But I can be thankful for so much more.
I am thankful for life.
I am thankful for joy.
I am thankful for Levi's laughs, his hugs and the love he brings.
I am thankful for my amazing husband.
I am thankful for friends and family who have picked me up at the lowest of times.
I am thankful for loving a tiny soul so much that I have a reason to be sad.
I am thankful. I can be thankful.
I've learned and accepted now that "Thankful" no longer has to be a scary word for me and I've discovered how it means something so much more to me. I've stopped looking at the superficial some days and found the deeper meaning to life. I have to open my eyes to my surroundings, I have to live in the moment and I have to treasure each and every day. Harper opened my eyes to this world and for that I am Thankful. She helps me flourish as a mom and a wife each day of my life and for that I am so thankful.
So today I am going to be thankful, thankful that I am able to pick up another broken piece on this unimaginable journey and place it delicately where it belongs enjoying each and every moment with my incredible family and knowing that this journey will bring me one day closer to seeing my little Angel.
