My Perfectly "Imperfect" Life

How Many Kids do you Want?
"Four Kids. Two years apart or less. Three boys and One girl."

                       My Perfect Future. My Perfect Family. Simple. Beautiful. Naïve.


How many kids do you have?

"Three Kids. 18 Months Apart. Two Boys and One Girl. Two on Earth and One in Heaven."
{Bet you weren't expecting that last part eh?}


                            Welcome to my Perfectly "Imperfect" Life

A life I had never dreamed in a million years. A life where my plans have changed. A life where my outlook has changed.  A life where my heart has changed. Ok, let's be honest,  a life where EVERTHING has changed.  I thought I had it all figured out. That young, naïve, innocent self of mine.  Never once did I think that darkness would attempt to enter my life. Never once did I think that I would be chosen to live the unimaginable. That was never part of the "plan".

Let it Go. My mantra for most of my journey. I've had to adapt to a new perfection. I've had to find the beauty in the darkest of places. I've had to make light of the most horrific situation.  I've had to find joy in the deepest of sorrows and I've had to "let go" all along the way.

My journey isn't what I once thought it would be but I've learned that it doesn't lessen my life or my plans. It's helped to make me stronger and my life more full. I would not be the person I am today without my daughter. My daughter who died. My daughter who is no longer in my arms. Is that hard to say? Absolutely. Is that hard to live with everyday? Absolutely. But it also gives me more than sadness and pain, it gives me joy, it gives me love and it gives me hope for what is to come.

2018 is a New Year. The 2 year Anniversary of "This Unimaginable Journey", and I'm just not sure how I feel about that. So I'm taking this year to focus on something I don't think I've ever focused on before... ME. (crazy huh?) It's time; and I don't think it's something I would have ever thought to do without that little girl coming into our lives. It's true, I get envious of families with "3 under 3" and those who I feel get to live what I had imagined as my "perfection." But that doesn't mean that I don't realize how beautiful my Perfectly "Imperfect" Life is.

When I look at the past two years, I think "You're right it's not how you had imagined",  in actuality,  it's so much more. It's hard to explain after the loss of a child how much your outlook on life evolves. To constantly search for the deeper meaning of life, to understand fully how precious our time here on Earth truly is. To appreciate the little things that life has to offer and accepting them for what they are. To "Let Go". To adapt to new perfections. It's all a part of this journey; and it's not always easy and I don't find it to always be fair, but it's beautiful and valuable all at the same time. It's my "perfectly imperfect life" and I don't think I would want it any other way.

So today I'm going to thank my little girl up above, and all of you who read This Unimaginable Journey, because I wouldn't be the person I am today without all of it. The Sadness, The Joy, The Pain, The Love, My Family and all of the Friends I've made along the way. I am who I am today because of this and I am so incredibly Blessed and Thankful for it all. So Here's to a New Year, finding ourselves and to Celebrating all of Life's Perfect Imperfections.