Daddy's Girl

Lately, I haven't been feeling very strong but in true "Kate" fashion, I've been trying harder than ever to not let it change me, to not let it affect me and to not let it control my life. But there is one person in my life who sees it everyday, one person who knows that I struggle often and knows that sometimes the darkness tries to prevail. The same person who I also know will never let the darkness overcome, who will pull me up every single time that my knees make me crumble to the ground and who will willingly stand next to me each time and willingly do it all again. That person, as most of you might know, is my husband, Adam and it only feels fitting to tell you all about the amazing man that he is while celebrating Father's Day.

There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that tells me I would not be where I am today, living the way I am today and finding the beauty in today if it were not for the rock that stands next to me each and every day. There was no way Adam was going to let this devastating situation change who we were in a negative way, there was no way he was going to let the sadness conquer us and there was no way he was going to remember his daughter in any other way but as a fighter. He was there to comfort when I needed to be comforted, he was there to hold my hand when it needed to be held and he was also there to say "Kate, get moving" when all I wanted to do was hide. But not only is he an amazing husband but also an amazing father.

Before we had Levi I had never watched Adam hold a baby. I would always wonder what kind of parent each of us would be and how we would cope with all of the new responsibilities. We had met so early in life that sometimes I still think of us as our 16 year old selves and it's hard to imagine us any other way. When Levi was born though, it was natural, it was instinct and it was pure love at first site. Adam was on top of things, I honestly don't think I changed a single diaper in the hospital. He was ready to take on this new adventure and he was seriously the best at it with such little practice. I remember I would watch in awe as this strong and independent man would cradle our newborn so delicately and so effortlessly.  How could I seriously love this man anymore? and yet there I was, finding myself falling more and more in love with him.

This past year, Adam's parenting skills were most definintely put to the test when I was hospitalized for four weeks while Harper and Mommy were under strict orders to take it easy. I was so fearful of how this would all play out because Adam was in the middle of busy season and Levi was beginning his "Mr. Independent" stage. Adam never flinched though, he never called me in a panic, he never complained and he made being a parent look so incredibly easy. He made sure we could face time each morning (when Mommy was awake to do it) and they would visit every single night in the hospital. Levi continued to flourish in school and everyday life and I watched that little 18 month old grow up so much with the guidance of his Dad along the way.

I have to admit though,  there were times I was terrified that I was having a girl because after having a boy I felt that a girl was just a complete game changer. I'm not sure why I would get these sudden urges of fear but it would usually distance itself within a few moments. There was one thing I did always look forward too when we found out we were having a girl; that was watching Adam become a dad to a baby girl. I couldn't wait to watch their relationship blossom and used to always joke with Adam that I bet Levi would turn into a "Momma's Boy" and Harper would turn into a "Daddy's Girl".  Adam would unknowingly light up a bit when we would talk about this because I knew he was ready. When I would ask are you excited it's a girl he would always answer without hesitation "Yes". I can't even begin to describe how amazing this man is because I don't think my limited vocabulary will do him justice. I seriously am so blessed, have I told you that enough times yet?

To this day my favorite memory will always be when I put little Miss Harper into her Dad's arms. Adam never took his eyes off of her sweet face and each time he kissed her a piece of my shattered heart was put back together. This was what I was going to miss most, the bonding and the completeness that our family was never going to feel again. We are always going to feel a little empty with Miss Harper so far away but we know that she is here with us each and every day holding our hands and helping us in every way she knows possible.

So this Father's Day I want to acknowledge all of the Dad's out there who are missing a piece of themselves today. I want us all to remember that behind every "strong" bereaved mother there is most likely a Dad helping to the put the pieces together as well. I know Dad's don't tend to show the outward signs of healing, but their insides were just as shattered as ours and require immense mending to heal the brokenness. So this Father's Day I'm going to pick up another broken piece on this unimaginable journey and together Adam and I will rebuild this path so that one day we are able to see our sweet daughter once again and Adam can hold his "daddy's girl" faithfully in his arms.

Happy Father's Day Adam!! * Love Levi and Sweet Harper *