*Easter Joy*

Easter. A season of celebration, a season in which we sing "Allelujah" and rejoice because our Saviour is risen. A season of love. A season of beauty. A season of triumph

Easter brings such a new sense of understanding to me these days, it was the first outing I had after losing Harper. I remember waking up that morning thinking, "Am I going to be able to get through this?" "Can I really do this?" I knew I had too. I can't linger in this house any longer. I had been discharged from the hospital on Tuesday and so far had not left except for one outing to the funeral home. I put on my maternity dress, ( the only dress that still fit at the time since I still looked five months pregnant) and straightened my hair. This was my attempt at feeling as "normal" as possible.  I could hear Levi, running around with his grandparents in the background. How he was loving all of this extra attention. He soaked it up from morning until night and I was just so thankful that his little soul had no idea what had happened. It was hard enough trying to explain to myself the sorrow that I couldn't imagine having to console a little heart at the same time.

Regardless of my feelings, I needed to face this new world of mine. I needed to re embrace the love that the world somehow, somewhere still had to offer me. I had no idea if I was ready, but deep down I knew, it would never happen until I just let go and made myself do it. I made it through the whole mass, only choking back tears every now and then. I look back at pictures from that day though and I can still see the heartache through that smile. How I had planned this day so differently from my hospital bed just a few weeks earlier. I wasn't suppose to be home, Harper was suppose to still be here, our lives were suppose to be untouched. But here we found ourselves, living {This Unimaginable Journey} and attempting to pretend that we knew how to navigate our way through.

Easter is a reminder that I too began a new journey in my life. It's a reminder that I was reborn during this season. Exactly what the Easter season should feel like now has a more literal sense for me. I will never be the person I was before Harper, that person is gone, I have forever changed, but I don't regret any part of that. Do I wish everyday things had turned out differently? Of course. But do I ever wish I had never gotten pregnant? Do I ever wish it didn't exist? Never.  Easter is a friendly reminder for this Momma of where my daughter rests, of how safe and happy she is up above watching over all of us. I remember saying shortly after coming home from the hospital through tears, "I've never wanted Heaven to be a real thing this badly before, but please God, tell me I will see her again." Faith and Hope, it's what gets me through the day, it's what gets me through this messy life.

Last year if you asked me what Easter reminded me of I most likely would have responded with sadness, misery and disappointment; complete and utter heartache. Here I was celebrating the Man up Above whom I felt at the time had failed me. I had no idea where this journey would bring me or what would come of it. If you would have asked me a year ago, where I would be today, this would not have been my answer. I couldn't have ever imagined feeling joy or feeling the way I do now. I sadly remember thinking to myself several times "I can't imagine that I'm going to be this sad for the rest of my life." and part of that thinking is true. There is a sadness that never leaves, day in and day out, when you wake up at night and when you wake up in the morning. It's there. But you learn to live with it. You learn to cherish it because it is there that you are remembered how loved they are, how cherished they are. That is what Easter has brought me. It's a time for me to remember how much love I have for my daughter up above, it's a time to remember how thankful I am for the little boy, growing incredibly fast right before my eyes, it's a time to teach him about his Sister and it's a time to cherish my husband, his strength and the family we have brought into this world.

So this year, I have a different smile upon my face. I am thankful, I am grateful, I am changed. I am re born. I am the person I was always meant to be. Today, I pick up another broken piece along this journey, knowing that because of the sacrifice God made for us, I will one day be united with my daughter up above. * Happy Easter Up Above, Harper Lynn*