* I Did It *

We made it through the holidays. That time of year where you find it becoming harder and harder to tuck those emotions deep inside. That time of year where everyone just wants to celebrate but you find yourself coming up with a reason to pull yourself out of bed. It's a time where it becomes more noticeable that we have lost this past year. So many feelings are swirling through the air: Joyful. Sad. Heavy Hearted. Wishful. Hopeful. Mournful. Happy.  {It's a tainted happiness for most, but we rejoice because it is happiness nonetheless.} 

There are times when your heart starts to race, when anxiety takes over and all of the questions and thoughts that you have been trying to avoid all year surround you.  I mean, How do I tell everyone what I'm thankful for at Thanksgiving? (a word that every mom of loss struggles with). There should be another stocking hung this year, or another pile of presents placed under that tree. I should be buying two Christmas outfits this year, for my two children, but yet I find myself shopping only for a two year old little boy. Pain. It just stabs at you because someone is missing and you pray that they are not forgotten. Celebrate? Come on, I'm not even sure I 100% know what that word means anymore.

But nevertheless, a mother of loss will attempt to slap that smile on her face, tuck those feelings deep inside and face the day (whatever it might bring) with as much strength as she bears.  Grief is the feeling that wants to overtake. Which is why for moments like this, it takes so much strength to find the joy. It takes strength to find the smile. It takes strength to find the peace. What once was easy at this time of year is now the hardest. It's so true when I say, the holidays are simply and utterly, exhausting.

This year, I was dreading the thought of ringing in the  "New Year". It reminded me that it was no longer "I lost my daughter earlier this year", it was now "I lost my daughter last March." and every year after that will be another. It's hard. Part of me still thinks this past year was all a dream. There are days I still find myself thinking, did this really happen? Will I still wake up and it all be a bad dream?  and then I lie in bed and look to my left and see the Urns of my little girl sitting upon her shelf showered with the words "WE SHALL FIND OUR LITTLE ONES AGAIN UP ABOVE" and I remember that it was not a dream by any means. That this was indeed, my reality.

At the beginning of this journey, I just wanted this year to be over, I wanted to forget everything that happened, I wanted to go back to the "old" me. But throughout this year I have changed, I have grown and I would never ask for this year back. I am so incredibly sad to see this year go because it was the year I got to meet an Angel, it was the year I learned more about myself than I ever thought imaginable. With the help of God, family, friends and my sweet Angel,  {I Did It}. I overcame this year. I fought hard and I never gave up. Accepting a new year is hard. A New Year means the recovery for 2017 has just begun, a fork in the road for this unimaginable journey has arrived and I must figure out which path to take. How does one start a new year with so much history behind them?

As my heart aches that 2016 has come to a close, I take a deep breathe, I slow down and I remember that this journey has just begun. I open my heart, I open my mind and I open my soul for what 2017 has to offer. I have to remember that just because 2016 is over, my daughters memory is not. It is just the beginning. 2017 will bring her first birthday, it will bring her first angelversary;  with that and with each coming year I will hold on to her. I will hold on to those three sweet days that I got to be with her here. I will hold on to those few hours that I got to hold her in my arms. I will FOREVER and always remember every part of her. I am her momma and she is my daughter and that will never change.  So the holidays are hard. True. But only because we loved unconditionally. There will never come a day I don't celebrate her with all of my heart, just like I do her older brother. It's a constant reminder that I truly am one lucky Momma.

So I start this new year, picking up some of the broken pieces and placing them back along this unimaginable journey so that I may find myself traveling down the path that will one day lead me back to my beautiful little girl. Happy 2017 Everyone, and to my little Angel Above {Every year will be your year; fly high beautiful girl}