GRIEF is a very heavy and cynical word for most, but I've chosen not to mistake this word for weakness or darkness but rather look upon it as strength and hope for the unexpected journey that has been set forth in front of me. Grief has forced me to look deep within myself, it has enabled me to find a courage and passion I never knew existed.
Today is the day I should be getting Harper all dolled up, pretty in pink and flowing in bows with a sign that reads "One Month" placed carefully and thoughtfully next to her while praying that for these next few minutes she stays as happy and content as possible. Unfortunately I'm not living in that perfectly planned out world, instead I'm living in what feels like the longest roller coaster ride that I can't seem to get off of and I'm praying for sweet Harper in a much different way. Today I am overwhelmed by grief.
Within the chaos, the unpredicted emotions and the sadness though I find peace in knowing that I can't think of a single moment out of the day that I don't feel her within my heart; I can't think of a single memory that she isn't a part of. She will always undoubtedly be a part of me and with that I take every movement I make or decision to be had with her guidance and with her strength. I use these moments because I've come to realize these uncertain emotions and intuitions are there to help guide me forward with what I now call my "new norm".
I would be lying though if I didn't say that there are very painful moments where I wish with every bone in my body that selfishly she was here; that I could hold her and sing to her and make her laugh. I long for the opportunity to have watched the bond between her older brother and her unravel and to see the amazing person I know she was destined to be. But then I am reminded in so many ways that I will get to experience moments like these with my daughter just in a new perspective. My daughter, Harper, was put here for a reason and I know God chose her as one of His angels in heaven for a much bigger purpose. I am overwhelmed with joy knowing that Levi will have one of the strongest Guardian Angels watching over him always. I am certain this is who my daughter was destined to be and this is the flowering relationship her and I will build throughout the years.
Today reaffirms me that we are not a family of three, but a strong force of four fighting on in the sorrow of death. Today I will dig a little deeper within myself and today I will find a broken piece and place it skillfully where it belongs in this unimaginable journey I call life.
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